Characteristic Pretense

Getting a job is never easy for the college drop-out. That said, this is not a pity-me plea. Rather, it's more of a look into what makes me less likely to succeed. After relocating for the fourth time in six months I find myself once more jobless and in need of income. As such, long days of pouring over craigslist and job rags followed by the implicit firing off of resumes and cover letters has left me wondering: is it possible that the inability to find a mean between high brow and at times self righteous prose and the ever condescending-tone filled banter of my writing leave readers of cover letters wondering who and/or what I'm getting at? 

Example A:

A local security company in Portland, OR is looking for a nightwatchman (which is not implicitly stated) with the heading "Seeking Vampires, Not Zombies". Quid pro quo:

Hello,

All of the requirements suit me, however, I'm just a bit uneasy about being John Rainsford and as such the ambiguity of this posting is a bit disconcerting. What would one be doing "walking outdoors"  from 11pm-7am? I'm an eagle scout, I'm an insomniac, I have full rain gear and very powerful flashlights (and I've got nothing better to do). I tend to be a bit iffy when it comes to strange CL job postings, but I'm intrigued. hope to hear from you,
Bill Washburn

Example B:
A marketing firm in Pittsburgh is looking for new account managers. They are willing to pay to train, albeit customer service and sales experience is preferred. Here is my response:

To whom it may concern:
This email with attached resume is in response to Craig's List posting 1876503212 calling for sales representatives. Having recently relocated to the Pittsburgh area without job prospects, a position with your firm would be a real boost to morale, as they say. As one can see from my resume, I have worked in sales in the past. I also maintain a sort of perverse fascination for marketing and the art persuasion - I consider my communication skills to be superb, bordering on anomalous and have an almost Odyssean sense of competition. That being said, I'm not really this arrogant in real life, but they say when applying for a job one ought to sell one's self.
Thank you for your time,
William Washburn

Finally, "A major New York based investor relations firm, is seeking individuals for positions as Proxy Solicitors/Information Agents at our offices conveniently located in downtown Pittsburgh, PA." This is my attempt at "professional".

To whom it may concern:
This letter is in response to Craig’s List posting 1881852149 calling for Proxy Solicitors/ Information Agents. Having recently relocated to the  area without a job prospect and therefore employment is, in a word: necessitous. Upon seeing your post a hasty reply was conceived and promptly dispatched.
Although I cannot be sure, the sole objective of a phone solicitor/ information agent is to lead share holders to cast their votes in the direction of an other’s leaning by educating and persuading them. Therefore, the best previous employment fit for the Proxy Solicitors/Information Agent position is certainly performing long form interviews on behalf of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention under the employ of the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. As a surveyor and later refusal converter, my job required me to cold call households at random and convince them to participate in a 15-25 minute survey on the swine flu. While the job rewarded me with a greater knowledge of personal and job related assertiveness and persuasion, it was, as one might imagine, arduous at times and often required patience and a complete understanding of the projected goals of the CDC. Reflectively, the solicitor/information agent would be required to do the same for their employer.
These, along with strong communicative prowess, leadership skills and a willingness to conform to a superiors specifications, I believe, makes my candidacy for employment all the more warranted.
As one can see from the attached resume, I have held many jobs - none of which, I can gladly say, I have ever been asked to leave - performing many tasks for the sheer want of diversification. After years of trying new things, the position with your firm seems like a good fit for, as it were, the long haul.
Thank you for your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon:
William Washburn

As one can plainly see, I've yet to figure out this grey area, where acceptable language married with a tinny mono-tone voice, convey the same thing articulated - quite clearly to my ears - that I need a job and that I am competent. Guess I should have stuck it out paying an institution for education I will just be re-educated on in job training.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
8i11