How the hell should I know?

It scarcely resembled anything hinting at form. I'd been carving or scraping, scratching, stabbing at it - this bit of compressed, bleached dyed wood-pulp. I hadn't the foggiest what it or I for that matter was attempting to convey and every failed approach made to discern it failed. I prayed for guidance, crying out in a lying wail 'How the hell should i know? What is it that i'm really going for?' Not as much of a what, but more of a why. Why was i going for?, i should have been asking or is it be. I'd nailed myself to the wall, as it were, for if one were to actually nail oneself to the wall he would be no better off than that fellow who shot whatever length nails into his skull with a pneumatic drill - but that's an explanation that need not be made. Funny thing, those little gobbets of unnecessary drivel, put to paper or binary in the form of alliteration so the scrier or typist might feel better about their knowledge of the world and its contents. How the hell should I know what's to be made of this nonsense - this ever all singing/dancing/blinking/beeping/crawling muck set to illuminate for discerning mothers as to what their children are up to. Put a chip in them, like your fucking cell phone so that your government reject GPS might make you feel more comfortable in a world that's out to get you. Go for it. Soon they'll have to change the metal detectors in airports, just watch: all the silicon, platinum and lead, implanted into children ("all the" - geez what an old timer - they're mere flecks of gods-know-what that will send signal to the mothership)... ha, and there he goes again. And she quipped from the other room "What're you doin' in there?"

How the hell should I know?

Characteristic Pretense

Getting a job is never easy for the college drop-out. That said, this is not a pity-me plea. Rather, it's more of a look into what makes me less likely to succeed. After relocating for the fourth time in six months I find myself once more jobless and in need of income. As such, long days of pouring over craigslist and job rags followed by the implicit firing off of resumes and cover letters has left me wondering: is it possible that the inability to find a mean between high brow and at times self righteous prose and the ever condescending-tone filled banter of my writing leave readers of cover letters wondering who and/or what I'm getting at? 

Example A:

A local security company in Portland, OR is looking for a nightwatchman (which is not implicitly stated) with the heading "Seeking Vampires, Not Zombies". Quid pro quo:

Hello,

All of the requirements suit me, however, I'm just a bit uneasy about being John Rainsford and as such the ambiguity of this posting is a bit disconcerting. What would one be doing "walking outdoors"  from 11pm-7am? I'm an eagle scout, I'm an insomniac, I have full rain gear and very powerful flashlights (and I've got nothing better to do). I tend to be a bit iffy when it comes to strange CL job postings, but I'm intrigued. hope to hear from you,
Bill Washburn

Example B:
A marketing firm in Pittsburgh is looking for new account managers. They are willing to pay to train, albeit customer service and sales experience is preferred. Here is my response:

To whom it may concern:
This email with attached resume is in response to Craig's List posting 1876503212 calling for sales representatives. Having recently relocated to the Pittsburgh area without job prospects, a position with your firm would be a real boost to morale, as they say. As one can see from my resume, I have worked in sales in the past. I also maintain a sort of perverse fascination for marketing and the art persuasion - I consider my communication skills to be superb, bordering on anomalous and have an almost Odyssean sense of competition. That being said, I'm not really this arrogant in real life, but they say when applying for a job one ought to sell one's self.
Thank you for your time,
William Washburn

Finally, "A major New York based investor relations firm, is seeking individuals for positions as Proxy Solicitors/Information Agents at our offices conveniently located in downtown Pittsburgh, PA." This is my attempt at "professional".

To whom it may concern:
This letter is in response to Craig’s List posting 1881852149 calling for Proxy Solicitors/ Information Agents. Having recently relocated to the  area without a job prospect and therefore employment is, in a word: necessitous. Upon seeing your post a hasty reply was conceived and promptly dispatched.
Although I cannot be sure, the sole objective of a phone solicitor/ information agent is to lead share holders to cast their votes in the direction of an other’s leaning by educating and persuading them. Therefore, the best previous employment fit for the Proxy Solicitors/Information Agent position is certainly performing long form interviews on behalf of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention under the employ of the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. As a surveyor and later refusal converter, my job required me to cold call households at random and convince them to participate in a 15-25 minute survey on the swine flu. While the job rewarded me with a greater knowledge of personal and job related assertiveness and persuasion, it was, as one might imagine, arduous at times and often required patience and a complete understanding of the projected goals of the CDC. Reflectively, the solicitor/information agent would be required to do the same for their employer.
These, along with strong communicative prowess, leadership skills and a willingness to conform to a superiors specifications, I believe, makes my candidacy for employment all the more warranted.
As one can see from the attached resume, I have held many jobs - none of which, I can gladly say, I have ever been asked to leave - performing many tasks for the sheer want of diversification. After years of trying new things, the position with your firm seems like a good fit for, as it were, the long haul.
Thank you for your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon:
William Washburn

As one can plainly see, I've yet to figure out this grey area, where acceptable language married with a tinny mono-tone voice, convey the same thing articulated - quite clearly to my ears - that I need a job and that I am competent. Guess I should have stuck it out paying an institution for education I will just be re-educated on in job training.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
8i11

missed out once more due to VACANCY

Sure, there are lots of consipiracy theories out there. My personal favorite has something to do with the Masons and the Da Vinci Code, just for how abnomrally neurotic it is. I've decided that NASA has their own conspiracy theory. And they refer to it as VACANCY. Naturally, the American government, especially with leanings toward the military, have hard-ons for acronyms. I didn't miss out due to personal vacany, I missed out due to a capitalized vacancy:
V - VIEWAGE
A - ARBITRARILY
C - CONVALUTED by
A - ATMOSPHERIC
N - NEGLIGENCE
C - CALCULATED by
Y -YEASAYERS

What one must first understand is that NASA in all it's proper and deserving glory, still has not yet figured out how to control the weather. For if they had, they'd have figured out a way to make it so that those of us in the central Pennsylvania region would not be perturbed by tropical storm Bonnie and will be able to see the absolutely unusual sight of the northern lights in the near southern hemisphere.  Many times before, I have run into instances where NASA has said, "Hey! Something great is going to happen and you can see it!" Only to divulge information "atmosphereically speaking" that says, "No, you cant fucking see it. No. No, No. You can't, but if you're willing to drive a really long ways with a mighty powerful telescope, then you can."

The general definition of vacancy, as far as I'm concerned (or the author, doesn't really matter), is an absence of occupants or an absence of mental occupants.  In this instant, as far as I (or the author) are concerned, refers to an absence on the part of the general popular mind.  Sure, one could find one's self perusing online databases wherein one could find one's self viewing a projected image of the truth displayed in the sky. Star charts are lovely, shit, even I enjoy the occasional astrological quandary. However, when NASA says, "Hey! You can see the Northern Lights five degrees north the 45th parallel." the inquisitive mind, or at least the curious mind, exclaims, "Woah! Let's check that shit out!" And we try. We seek. We search. We explore. Only to find that the atmospheric conditions rendered us to leave our search furtive, but futal. So one might ask, "Why the fuck doesn't NASA get together with NOAA and tell us whether or not we can see such phenomenon?"

That's all I'm saying. En reasconrie I'd like to see what the outcome of above said collaboration might do to late nite non-intellegensiac obsevation.

All's well. More to follow. I was put up to this.
8i11